Hi everyone! Thanks for checking out my Portfoli The Beauty and leaving me some feedback.
(Lots of love from the Noun Project)
There once was a king who's land had fallen into a tretcherous despair. The land was not producing crops and the people had become poor and famished. The king was unhappy and hated to see his people in suffering so he went to the wise old owl who lived right outside the city gates. The owl told the king that his land had fallen into despair becuase of their wickedness but that they still had hope for redemption. The owl commanded the king to bring his 3 best soldiers out to the city gates. Once there, the owl instructed them to each take a cistern of water and to head west. Once the men had run out of thier water that was were they would find a solution to the problem. As each man runs out of water he is to return home to the king. At last the king will have a solution. As they set out, it was a terribly hot time of year and the first soldier drank up his water within a days time. The spot in which he landed was full of mulberry trees. At this discovery he quickly retu...
Hi Carlee,
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if something went wrong when you published your site, but the homepage of your storybook/profile is blank except for the header with "The Beauty" on it. Also, I am not seeing an Introduction page or anything. Again, I am not sure if there was an issue when publishing or if you intentionally left those pieces out, but those are just my thoughts.
Besides that, I read your first entry, "Innocence," and I enjoyed it! It's funny how many different versions of the Beauty and the Basilisk I have read this semester--I even wrote a version myself! My only comment on your story is that the ending feels very rushed. The beginning was great but then you cut it very short at the end. I would really like to here all of the details you could come up with! You are a very talented writer and by cutting the story off like that, it leaves readers like me on edge, waiting for more.
-Libby
Hey Carlee!! I like the name of your portfolio, but I think it would be extremely helpful if you had an introduction and picture explaining why you named it "The Beauty," and what the reader could expect from your portfolio.
DeleteAs Libby said, there have been so many retellings of the Beauty and the Basilisk. I think that is really cool, as it is a story most are familiar with, but there are so many options for flexibility and retelling it also. Overall, I loved your version! Your writing style is cohesive and mature, and all the details really line up (regarding the farmer, stone, selling milk, etc). The idea of using the father is different than the other retellings I have read this year, although I guess it is more in line with Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
I would suggest adding some dialogue, just so the reader can have a better understanding of what is going on between the characters. I often write without dialogue, but I do know it is hard as a reader to picture how the characters are interacting without dialogue.
I enjoy the first story a lot. I enjoy how you changed the request of a rose from the youngest daughter to be more broad, in this case "something beautiful." I also enjoy that the something that is beautiful is something you are fond of and collect. It is a good thing you included that in your author's note, it helps form a personal connection
ReplyDeletewith your readers. I do not know exactly why but I like that the creature has a more broad description of a "beast" rather than a basilisk. Maybe it is because it leaves interpretation up to the reader's imagination.
I would suggest connecting this story more to the title, you titled it innocence and while I do see innocent undertones I see more of the inner beauty and humbleness themes. Also I would add an introduction that explains the whole Story book title as well as a hint of what your stories will be about.
Hello again,
DeleteI have since read more of your stories. I really enjoyed the story of the Jewel of Hearts Desire in general and I do enjoy your take on it. The character descriptions were phenomenal in the beginning but I do wish I had a little more information about Benten since she plays a huge role. Benten is the Japanese goddess of love and lust and is renowned for her outer beauty. I feel like you could build on the contrast between inner and outer beauty of Benten. You could also compare her to the Empress who has both inner and outer beauty. I noticed in your author's note that you said the jewel was never returned. I do remember the jewel was eventually found and returned by a simple fisherwoman who sacrificed herself and was made the Princess of Hearts desire. Although you do not need to include that in the story, I would definitely mention that it is later found in the author's note. The writing and grammar is all well done. Great job!
Hi Carlee! I really liked the design of your website. The banner images in particular seem to fit well with the themes of your pages. Maybe you could have a little bit of an introduction on your homepage so the readers know what to expect! It is pretty neat that the project is so mysterious though....Beauty. I like the title! Your first story called Innocence was fantastic. I felt bad for the farmer that got his daughter stuck in that precarious situation. After all, he only wanted to find something beautiful for his middle daughter. I appreciated the development of the beast! It did remind of Beauty and the Beast--especially how the girl softened his heart. Great work on this story! Heart's Jewel was a really cool adventure. I would feel as peace with the Sun Goddess by my side. Still, I was surprised she killed the emperor. It seemed like the empress made the best of it, though. Really good work!
ReplyDeleteHi Carlee,
ReplyDeleteI like to read all your stories, especially the story of the princess Hase. In plots, you show us a good ending. The evil Queen got punishment finally. I think this factor - a bad person would not win would be the main reason that I always enjoying reading stories. Your plots would never make me feel boring. They provide the motivation for me to continue reading forward. Characters show their unique personalities and characteristics. For instance, the sense of justice of Jacob and Marv. In my view, this is another important factor in a success story.